You heard about love from almost everywhere when you were a child, it's a
staple of the tales people have created and consumed for entertainment for as
long as stories have been told. Love stories are thrown around in Disney
cartoons and in young adult novels so often that their common themes are taken
as fact without a shred of evidence. This "everybody knows" form of public
opinion can be miss conceived about almost anything and love is no exception. A
lot of the most common ideas that the masses perpetuate about love are flat out wrong,
here are the top 15 myths about love and the truth behind the tropes.
Myth 15) Love is
Purely Emotional
It's commonly thought that love is only a matter of emotions and people that
carry on about love are seen as flighty, not firmly rooted in reality. However,
that couldn't be further from the truth because there's a lot more to love than
emotional responses. Posit Science features an article about how love isn't just
a matter of the heart and sections of our brains become more active as you
think about being in love. When you are in love, the brain becomes more active
in the ventral segmental area of the brain and this part of the brain is
where you process pleasure by making dopamine. When you are in love, this part
of your brain lights up and goes into overdrive. You are more content when
you're in love because your brain is making happy chemicals more often.
That isn't the only thing that the extra dopamine production does, it's also
a highly addictive chemical and that means that you can become addicted to
being in love. The pining that you see lovers do traditionally isn't only rooted
in emotional feelings. Instead, it can become a very real chemical dependency
longing for the person you desire.
Myth 14) True Love
Never Needs Therapy
A simple look in the phone book or an online search can show you that there are
thousands of doctors that specialize in couple's therapy. Many large
universities, like Ohio State University in Columbus, Ohio, have full programs
that focus on marital and couple's therapy. All of these couples are not in
danger of breaking up nor are they no longer in love. Most couples are very
much in love and that is why people try anything, including therapy, to make
their relationships work.
The most common reasons that couples go to therapy are communication
breakdowns and this usually happens if people get married very quickly or they
marry very young. As people grow and change, they may end up having issues
connecting with their significant other. Major life changes, such as the birth
of a child or a death, also have the ability to throw couples into a tailspin.
This does not mean that couples do not love each other anymore, it means that
they need some help working through their issues and keeping their relationship
alive. Therapy is an extreme act of proving your
love for another person.
Myth 13) Absence
Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
There's a reason that people tend to talk down about internet relationships and
that's because absence really does not make the heart grow fonder. The
physical act of touching your partner triggers that dopamine center in your
brain. Humans are contact heavy beings and for many the physical act of being
able to touch your partner is key to keeping your interest in each other alive.
When you add this to the fact that people go through day to day trials and
tribulations that require physical comfort, it's easy to see how many long
distance relationships simply do not last. If you have problems and end up
crying on someone's shoulder, that trust and vulnerability that you show proves
that you have some level of love as well as trust for that person. When you cannot
physically be comforted by your partner it can cause a rift in your relationship
that you simply can't repair.
Myth 12) You Will
Never Love Again
In a lot of stories you will see people talking about their one and only love as
well as the hero of the story lamenting the death of their one true
love. The scene is usually very dramatic and then he or she will declare that
“they will never love again”. This makes for a dramatic and very moving
sentiment but that's not how it usually works. While it is true that you cannot
replace a person with someone else as though you are buying new shoes, it's not
true that people are made to have only one soul mate.
Simple statistics prove that wrong due to there being over seven
billion people in the world, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. The chance of you meeting one person in that seven billion that is a fit just for
you is nearly impossible. Not only is it nearly impossible but it ignores the
fact that human beings are very complex individuals who are capable of a wide
range of responses and emotions. Losing a loved one is traumatic and can make
you feel like nothing will ever be right again but, thankfully, there is always
a chance to love another.
Myth 11) Jealousy
Means Love
Any marriage counselor will tell you that there are many different problems that
happen in a relationship and these issues sometimes require intervention. Some
problems are still grounded in a basis of love and understanding. These can be
complex and sometimes flair up with outbursts but keep in mind they are not
something to be afraid of or worried about. However, there are problems in
relationships that have nothing to do with love, like jealousy for example.
Jealousy can be both good and bad but it doesn't mean that your partner
loves you. In fact, jealousy can be a sign of dissatisfaction in a relationship.
It can also hint at someone allowing their insecurities to take over the way
that they are thinking and the way that they feel about you. If your partner
cannot overcome being jealous then they may become manipulative and possibly
abusive. If you're having trouble with jealousy, it is important to speak with a
professional to get your feelings under control before they harm you or your
partner.
Myth 10) You Never
Fight When in Love
No two people in the world are exactly alike and if you think about what drew you
to your partner then you’ll probably find it’s the ways they differ from you as much
as the ways you are the same. Variety keeps a relationship interesting and the
ability to complement one another makes a deep, lasting foundation for love that gives you something to explore in your partner as you make a life together.
With that being said, it’s those differences that you’ll end up fighting
over too and it’s not a sign that you’re incompatible or that the
relationship is weak. Arguing in a healthy way that leads to
relationship negotiation is a sign of strength and a hallmark of the bond
between two passionate, committed people that respect each other’s values as
well as
perspectives. Think about it, have you ever kept silent to keep the peace in a
relationship? What happened? You probably had to compromise your position on a
subject and may have given up something important to you. Feeling confident and
open about arguing for what you believe in means that you trust the person
you’re arguing with not to steamroll over something meaningful to you. Rather,
you expect that they will hear you out and at least consider your position. You
don’t get much more in love than that.
Myth 9) Love Makes
Sex Better
There are entire industries based around sex in every country in the world and these industries cater to all different sorts of people but those involved do
not have to love each other. While many people feel like love intensifies their
sexual encounters, for the most part those who enjoy sex do not need to be in
love to enjoy it. The truth of the matter is that the sex industry caters to the
desire for lust, not love. This does not change because of a person's gender
either, female brains do not require love to enjoy intercourse any more or less than
male brains do. Like most things as personal as love, it depends on the
individual.
The idea that love requires sex, or vice versa, also ignores the desires of
people who are asexual. Asexuals do not have any sexual drive or desires but
they do have the same capacity for love as any sexual person. However,
passion for them doesn't need the sexual contact that most people associate with being
in love.
Myth 8) True Love is
Never Hard
Puppy love, or infatuation, is really easy because it’s that moment where you’re
instantly smitten, where the world is rainbows and nothing could go
wrong. True love is what comes about after all that glamour has faded and
everything has gone wrong. True love is not an easy affirmation that you’re
meant to be but rather a conscious commitment that you want to be. To
have true love with your partner, you have to be whole and present in the
relationship. You have to be willing to communicate and negotiate.
There are a lot of types of "love" and romantic feelings that exist to fill
voids. Some partners make you feel good about yourself, giving you the
self-esteem you are lacking, while others may fill some kind of void in your
interpersonal relationships. There’s nothing wrong with dating someone for a
reason other than true love but these relationships won’t lead to it. In
these situations, you are receiving validation but what are you able to give
back? When the going is rough, what is there to sustain you both? In true love,
you have to value yourself as well as the object of your affections. While it
probably sounds bizarre, with true love you have to be willing to love yourself
as much as your partner does and vice versa. Otherwise, you will both be at
odds with your own goals of filling each other’s needs because neither of you
feel like you deserve the fruits of love.
Myth 7) Children
Strengthen Relationships
While the pitter-patter of little feet isn’t necessarily the death knell for any
relationship, it also won’t automatically bring you and your partner together.
Especially if you are already at odds or experiencing deep issues. Children are
a lot of work and a new dynamic that can strain even good relationships
between the stress, loss of time as well as change in priorities. Many relationship
experts cite that couples who were strong before the baby arrived will likely be
fine but those who were on shaky ground may drift apart instead of coming
together over a common goal.
When children enter the picture, understanding the nature of true love is
even more vital. If your relationship is sound then you have to keep in mind what
has been sustaining it all this time. Remember to make time for each other,
communicate your needs and keep a sense of humor when you can. Being parents
will take up extraordinary amounts of your time and it’s a role that lasts a
lifetime. However, actually having little ones under foot is a temporary phase
and it’s important to remind yourselves that your family exists because of the
love you share with each other. Consciously work together on issues that arise
and don’t hide behind parental responsibilities to avoid dealing with your
trouble spots. Not only will this make love possible for the two of you but it
will set a good example for your kids of what a healthy, strong relationship is
meant to be.
Myth 6) Passion
Never Dies
Talk to any married couple and they will tell you that the secret to their long
lasting relationship isn't going to be the constant burning passion. In fact, a
cooling off period is normal in almost all relationships and that's because when we
get into something new, we're still figuring things out. New relationships have
an exploration aspect and have not yet reached a comfortable equilibrium.
Relationships eventually hit a place where people work together seamlessly, this is called a cooling off period because you've reached a sort of comfort.
You know most of the details of your partner's life, you know about their family
issues and instead of learning about each other as individuals, you are learning
about how you work together as a unit. The move from one person in a
relationship to one entity is not always an easy one. People who are ferociously
independent tend to fight the loss of self that comes with being in a
relationship. However, once there is a rhythm to the relationship then it is easy to
take the comfort for granted. Unfortunately, many people read this part of a
relationship as becoming bored. They do not realize that the love they feel is
still there, only now it is a constant flow instead of spurts or bursts. Remember, the
brain in love creates dopamine and once you have a steady flow of any chemical
then
your body gets used to it.
Myth 5) You Can Read
Your Partner's Mind
There's something cute about those couples that seem to finish each other's
sentences, how one seems to know exactly what the other is thinking and how the
other will respond. However, this speaks to each partner having a huge level of
empathy for the other and not to love awakening some latent psychic ability. It's natural for one partner to take over certain
aspects of the couple's daily life, while some details are left to the other
person. These habits will translate to life outside of their home, meaning that
one partner will be able to anticipate the other's needs and either place an
order or make a comment for them.
Sadly, no scientific journal has found any proof that mind reading is an actual
thing. Scientists are debating the topic and constantly searching for some
concrete proof that some people are able to form mental links to others. It is
far more likely that people are capable of picking up patterns and learning how
their partners respond to different situations. The longer you are with someone,
the more honed this sense of your partner’s wants and needs becomes.
Myth 4) Love Makes
You Live Longer
Psychology Today made the point to look at the work "Singled Out" in response to
a study in 1996 that said people who married lived longer than people who did
not. This study was flawed in numerous ways because it only looked at men who were in
long term marriages and not women. Further, many of the sources were biased and
could not be trusted to return accurate data. When the study was repeated and
opened up to include women as well then the data showed that married men did appear
to live longer lives but married women, by contrast, did not.
In truth, the study itself was still flawed and there is no way to ensure
that you will live a longer life simply by getting married. There are too many
factors involved when looking at something like lifespan to accurately understand
how one small factor, like marriage, would affect it.
Myth 3) People Never
Cheat if They Are in Love
In another article from Psychology Today, the psychology of cheating and
cheaters was explored. What they found was that most people who cheat on their
loved ones still are in love with their partner. It's not a lack of love that
drives people to explore relationships outside of their primary one but in some
cases it's that the person is simply not wired for monogamy. This means that
they, by their nature, usually end up having multiple partners. They actually
require multiple partners to feel fulfilled in any of the relationships that
they have. Another reason that people cheat has been listed as feelings of
insecurity or worries about their own performance in the bedroom.
Among the most common reasons that people give for cheating is that they want
to try something sexual that they are afraid to ask their partner for. This
could ether be fear of making the partner uncomfortable or fear of improper
execution, thus embarrassment in the bedroom with their primary partner. In
short, there are multiple reasons that anyone could cheat on a loved one and a
lack of love is not always one of them. People are more likely to end
relationships once they feel like the love has gone out of than if they are to
cheat. Cheating means that the person feels as though there is
something worth saving in their current relationship, as broken as it may be.
Myth 2) Love at
First Sight
According to Dr. Elliot D. Cohen, the idea of love at first site is a complete
myth. Though Cohen does admit that many people speak about falling in love with
someone instantly and discuss personal reflections of love at first sight, he
makes the claim that this is impossible. He does admit that people are
immediately attracted to certain things, such as smells, body and things that
can spark pleasant memories. These things make us fonder of a person within
moments of meeting them. To truly know a person and develop a deep
connection with them, you would need far more time and individual knowledge.
This "chemistry" that people talk about feeling when they meet someone for
the first time could simply be a physical desire for a person. While this desire
is real and valid, it does not always require love. Our society likes to
pressure us into forcing the emotion of love on top of lust but the
two are different and not innately connected.
Myth 1) You Can
Change for Love
This is something that basically everyone in your life can already tell you is a
lie, it's a romantic notion that the power of love can change someone for the
better. The reality of the situation is that by the time we are adults, our
personalities are cemented. Psypress, a publication that is dedicated to the
study of psychology, states our personalities are firmly defined in our
mid-to-late 20s. This means that changing yourself fundamentally after those
ages is nearly impossible.
This also means that no one can really change for you, regardless of how much
they love you. Changing someone isn't really an aspect of love, you should learn
to love and grow with each other as you are at present as well as work to be the
best versions of yourselves as possible. This may seem like
change on the outside but as long as you treat fundamental personalities as the
fixed entities that they are, a lot of the superficial aspects of a person's
life can be adjusted.
In Conclusion
As you can see, love itself is a complex thing with a wide range of mythology
that's just not true for everyone. So don't feel like you've lost the game of
love just because none of these myths apply to you. They don't apply to most
people, so you really aren't alone. Go out there and love again as well as
again because you don't have to wait for any princess or prince to come save you.
References: Myth 14) True Love Never Needs Therapy
OSU's therapy website (most couples are very much in love, and that is
why people try anything, including therapy to make their relationships
work)
Myth
13) Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Science of Love (the physical act of touching your partner triggers that
dopamine center in your brain)
Myth
11) Jealousy Means Love
ScienceOfRelationships.com (jealousy can be both good and bad, but it
doesn't mean that your partner loves you.)
Myth
9) Love Makes Sex Better
Documentary the Science of Sex (while many people feel like love
intensifies their sexual encounters, for the most part, those who enjoy
sex do not need to be in love to enjoy that sex.)
Myth 6) Passion Never Dies
Fluther.com - (a cooling off period is normal in almost all
relationships. That's because..)
